Cry Rambles
by lizhayy
Summary: *ABANDONED* What's up guys? We are on a fanfiction website, and this is a journal of sorts. Warning: It could get intense. *Not actually Cry. Read my description to make sense of this Pewdiecry experiment, please. I'm so bad at summaries it hurts, but give it a shot.
1. December 1st

**Hello everyone. First off, I am not Cry. This idea randomly popped into my head while currently watching the Late Night Stream so I was like hey, why the fuck not? There is a 75% chance that this will continue into a Pewdiecry fanfic, and the other 25% is betting that I will give up on this idea in a few days. So, we'll see where it goes.**

**I guess this is going to be from Cry's POV. As realistic as possible (the way you guys like it). I plan to keep up with his posts on Tumblr & Youtube and try to filter them into the story. So this is present day. Pretty much just pretend I am Cry.**

**Edit: Looking back, the first few chapters are pretty random. But it progressively gets better. Give it a chance!  
**

* * *

Hi.

Welcome to Cry rambles about ramble-y nonsense.

I've had a lot of personal crap thrown in my face recently, and I've been itching to find somewhere to vent. Suddenly, this site appeared! I was browsing the Pewdiecry tag on Tumblr and followed a link to a story on this site. After reading some rather explicit Pewdiecry material, I clicked away from the horror before my eyes and found myself signing up for an account. I suppose I will use this as a blog/diary type thing (it's not a diary though because I am a manly man). I know, I know, Fanfiction is for _fanfictions_, and Tumblr is for _blogging. _But so many people follow my blog that I can't get too personal. I figured why not come here to secretly post my secrets.. n' stuff. If this ends up getting read by some of my fans, so be it. Some of you might as well get to know me a little better. ;)

Alright, I just need to say this right now before we get any more _intimate. _I fully support the Pewdiecry shipping. I think it's funny, also I really appreciate how so many people enjoy writing about me. I mean, really... a fanfiction about me? That's pretty fucking cool. And I don't really mind the _extra saucy_ ones that involve some graphic events (seriously.. you guys get the details down really well.. they're all quite descriptive.) I think my favorite erotic story is "Dat Voice", it was pretty fucking funny. But I don't support me licking my own cum. I mean.. come on... that's gross. And I've witnessed some nasty shit.

Some of the stories are actually really interesting though! The more uh... smutty?... ones. I think that's the term I'm looking for. Anyways, they're all very cute and most have a good storyline. Although I'm not really sure how the entire idea started, seeing as Pewds has a nice lady friend, and I choose to remain anonymous about that aspect of my life. To each his own I suppose. But me and Pewds... that would never happen in real life. I mean, the first time I learned about the Pewdiecry ship, I definitely considered how it originated and if some people we're seeing things that I wasn't. But I went through the old co-ops and didn't pick up on anything said by Pewdie or I that could be implied as feelings stronger than friendship. We're just a pair of awesome bros!

Ah.. I kind of went off topic. Okay.. the venting. Right. So, yeah, most of you know that I've been having some personal issues recently. My life has gotten pretty crappy. My family has been going through some ridiculously awful stuff. I won't go into detail now... talking about it gets me upset, and I have to record soon. So, I'll save that sad story for another day.

Something I would like to talk about though; my fucking fans! To all my supporters, you guys are awesome. You're all fantastic. You're all superb. You're... well... most of the time you guys are great. But there is one thing I cannot stress enough... I've recently hit 300,000 subscribers (which is so amazing, by the way), but think about it. Three hundred _thousand_ people watch my videos. Three. Hundred. Thousand. That's like... the entire population of the Bahamas. How do you guys expect me to respond to the posts, asks, friend requests, comments, and messages I receive from 300,000+ people? That's fucking impossible! I honestly wish I could. I wish I could thank every one of you that has supported me over time. I am so grateful that I can have a job that I love to do. But I cannot keep up with all of you. Please do not be offended or upset that this happens. It sucks, but there is nothing I can do about it. Don't think that I don't take account for the thousands of messages I get daily. It makes me very happy that my fans want to talk with me, but it makes me very sad that I don't have the time.

Anyways.. this is it for now. It's been nice, friends... I think I feel a little better. I look forward to writing more of these...

Take it easy.


	2. December 2nd

**Surprisingly not giving up on this.**

* * *

Sup. It's three in the afternoon, and I just woke up. Welcome to my life.

So, the stream last night. Despite technical difficulties, it was a generally good time. My head was fucking killing me, so I was less active than usual, but we successfully got through the night. My friends are all so awesome. I love playing with them. As always; stream night, best night. I really enjoyed wind down hour. Hearing the interesting and rather strange questions you guys come up with is pretty fun. And I'm glad that the chat didn't make me rage quit again. Agh... rambles have ensued.

Anyways, last night was fun, but it could have been better. I almost got Pewds to join the stream! We had been texting (like we do everyday) about our recent Half-Minute Hero co-op and I suggested he join our Skype call. I figured that having him in the stream would stir the viewers and constitute some excitement, seeing as it was getting a little quiet. Well... things didn't go exactly how I envisioned. I'm just going to depict our conversation as accurately as I can.

* * *

Pewdie: The new video seems to be going well. Not as much hate in the comments for this one.

Me: Nice! I'm glad they like the few minutes we uploaded out of our intense four-hour session.

Pewdie: Hah, I don't think anyone wants to see the rest of our gameplay. That was some crazy shit bro. How's the stream going?

Me: Pretty good! Playing some L4D2 right now. Having a few internet issues, but it's not that bad. You should come play!

Pewdie: I would, but I'm having some internet problems of my own. And I'm a little tired..

Me: Psh, I doubt your internet is as shitty as mine! Come on, it'll be fun.

Pewdie: I dunno...

Me: ?

Pewdie: It's just... tonight isn't good.

Me: Why not? What's going on?

Pewdie: I don't really want to talk about it.

Me: Well... okay. You sure?

Pewdie: Yeah. I just need a few days to figure some stuff out.

Me: Sure. Take your time, man. I'm here if you need anything.

Pewdie: Thanks. Have a good night.

Me: You too...

* * *

So, that kind of set me back for the rest of the night. With my internet fucking up and bumming me out, this wasn't exactly what I was looking for to brighten up the stream. Alas, I continued to play with the crew and enjoy the game, but in the back of my mind I was worrying about Pewds. Out of all the times we've talked, I don't think I've ever seen him unhappy. He's one of the funniest guys I know...

What could have happened to upset him?

Was it a pile-up of hate from his viewers? I know I've had those days where it seems pointless to continue filming when so many people are bashing my videos. But it's usually just angry trolls, and Pewdie has never really cared about the stuff they say. So that couldn't be it.

Maybe something happened with Marzia? We don't really talk about her that much. He's always gets sort of indifferent when she comes up in conversation. I assumed that their relationship was going well, that they were just out of the "honeymoon" phase. That happens when you've been with someone for a long time. Not that I would know. I've never really committed to a serious relationship. I don't know why. Women... agh... they're so troublesome. Can't live with them, can't live without 'em. ...But I've never really had the motivation to get through all the bullshit that comes with having a significant other. How do you know if it's worth it or not? How do you know if you can trust them? I guess I'd rather keep to myself.

Er...I've gotten off track again.

Right... Felix... I'm a bit conflicted on the matter. I want to be a good friend and confront him, but he _did _say that he didn't want to talk about it. Ugh, I'm so bad at reading people. I don't know what to do.

* * *

Okay. I'm going to give him one day. If he doesn't talk to me first, I'll text him and make him tell me what's wrong. I can't _stand_ not knowing. I have this crazy need to make him feel better. When he's upset, I'm upset. Whatever he's worried about, I'll do my best to fix. That's what friends are supposed to do. I can't just sit around and do nothing. Right?

Yes. Because that's what a friend does for a friend.


	3. December 4th

**Hello everyone! I was so close to giving up on this. But here we are.**

**Just going to clarify this right now. If you think this story is boring, that's okay, because it's not supposed to be super exciting and romantic and fluffy. This isn't one of those stupid stories where Cry is just like "I've always loved you" and Pewds is like "Ditto", *NOW KISS*. I'm trying to make this realistic. People can't just drop everything and randomly fly overseas for a week. SOO, at the moment in the Cry Rambles universe, Pewdie is broken up with Marzia, he didn't go on the trip to the UK, and Cry is still Cry. He also isn't aware of his feelings towards Pewdie yet. He's not trying to hide anything, but the feelings are there. He just hasn't recognized them yet. But it will happen! Woop!**

**And no, I will not bring Marzia into the story.  
**

* * *

How's it going, bros? My name is Crryyyy... er.. just Cry.

That was supposed to be a joke.

Agh, I'm sleep deprived.

Anyways, it's finally Sunday, my favorite day. I get to sit around my house, eat a bunch of food, and play video games. I mean, who _wouldn't_ love Sunday? This is a much needed break, seeing as this whole week has been fucking stressful and sad and ugh. I guess I can't really get back on track without explaining what happened.

So.. here we go.

First of all, my leave of absence had nothing to do with Pewdiepie and all that stuff that happened last weekend. Actually, he's been helping me through a lot of problems I'm having. It's just that sometimes the expectations of my fans gets so tiring. Not saying I'm ungrateful for everyone that supports me, but wow, some people are really fucking ignorant.

I have 325,000 subscribers... _t__hat's a lot of subscribers._ Imagine feeling pressured by all those people every single day, being asked for specific things that I can't do or simply don't want to do. These people say things like "make more videos doing this", "play this game", "don't act that way because it's weird", "why aren't you more like PewDiePie?!". I hate it, because I want to please my fans, but I'll only go so far. I make videos because I have fun doing it. Once it stops being fun, I doubt I will continue making them, despite the hundreds of thousands of people that would be distraught.

And then it gets worse. When I want to see what fans think of my videos, it means I have to scroll through the comments they write. _All _of them. Including the ones written by hateful, ignoble, crude lowlifes. It baffles me as to why these awful things are written about me. I take the time to create fun videos for everyone to enjoy, and I get responses calling me crap like "a sociopathic faggot." Really? After the hard work I do, that's the kind of feedback I get? I _really_ don't understand it. I know there aren't as many haters as there are fans, but the hurtful statements they make are the ones that haunt me for the remainder of the day. My friends tell me to ignore it, but how easy do you think it is to brush off various comments depicting you as someone with a mental retardation who is lonely and pathetic? These words hurt me a lot more than you would think.

Ugh. It's challenging. Some days are worse than others. But as I said before, Pewds has been really comforting and supportive. I can't image how difficult it must be for him, since his viewing population is so immense. I suppose he has more experience dealing with it than I do.

* * *

In any case, I'll just explain what happened on Wednesday. It was a normal day. Woke up around 4 or so, accomplished my regular amount of derping around, talked to Pewdie for the majority of the afternoon. I was in typical good spirits due to the awesome conversation that occured between Pewds and I the day before (see last entry). So, it gets to 10 PM and I casually decide to review my videos from a few weeks back, because I hadn't really taken the time to do it earlier. I find my way to the Walking Dead Finale, assuming that there would be some cheerfully reassuring comments telling me "everything would be okay" because.. well... that was a pretty intense episode. Instead, I find a ridiculous amount of horrible criticism. Now, I'm not sure if I was simply in a bad mood, or maybe I didn't want to deal with it, but those comments hit me pretty hard. Before I realized what was happening, I started slipping into another shitty night of shit. I got all mopey and dejected and it was just the worst.

But before I got sucked too far into my depressive darkness, Pewds called me on Skype. I swear that man can always tell when I need him. I quickly hooked up my webcam and answered.

There was Pewdie, looking a lot better than he did yesterday. His face was clean and shaven, and his hair was back to being perfectly styled to look messy. But it works for him. And.. he wasn't wearing a shirt? Hm... I've never really thought about it before, but Pewds is actually a pretty good-looking guy. His body isn't too scrawny, and it still keeps a healthy & muscular figure. His face is sort of perfect. It's so symmetrical. His jaw is the impeccable combination of smooth and chiseled, if that's even possible. His lips are full and rosy and curve in all the right places. Those eyes.. wow. Everything about him is so.. structural? I'm not sure if that's even a word. But every part of him looks like it was carefully placed there by crafted hands. God.. he's just.. beautiful.

Wait... what? Where the hell did that come from?

"Cry? Hellooooo? Earth to Cry?"

Whoops. I had zoned out for too long.

I cleared my throat. "Heh, hi Pewds. Sorry, I'm a little tired."

"Bro, you're always tired. What's up?"

"Nothin much, just a regular Wednesday night. How was your day?"

"Pretty good! I spent my time doing typical single guy shenanigans."

"What does that include?"

"Sitting in my boxers all day, eating fast food, jerking off whenever I want. It's been fabulous."

That sounds like most of my days during the week. "You pretty much just explained my life, friend."

"HAH! Poor Cry. You'll meet your true love someday."

I hesitated for a second. I didn't want to turn this into another conversation that ends with Pewds getting distressed and pitying me. "Ehh.. we'll see."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing." We could save that topic for another day. "Hey, I need your help about something."

"Oh, lady problems? I'm probably not the best person to ask right now.. but go ahead!"

"No Pewds, it's Youtube related."

"Ah, so you come to the master for advice. What can I help ya with, buddy?"

Ugh. Here we go. "Well... it's just that all the hater's comments on my videos have been bothering me a lot lately."

"Aw, Cry, we've talked about this. You know they're only a bunch of pathetic losers."

"Yeah, I know. But that doesn't help the fact that I know people think I'm a fatass failure that doesn't have anyone special in their life."

"Cry. You're obviously not a failure. And you're not fat."

Wrong. "Pewdie, look at me. I'm gross and overweight. Who would love me?"

"You've got your family... and you've got me."

Whoa. Did he just say that? Does Pewds actually feel that way about me? I didn't even know he was gay! That would explain what happened with Marzia. I've never considered it. I guess I could love Pewdie. He is my best friend after all. Isn't that what significant others are, except with kissing and touching and _stuff_? Could Felix and I ever have that sort of relationship?

"Cry? You're zoning out again."

I was actually really deep in thought. Was this about to change everything?

Eventually, I spoke. "You.. you love me?"

"Well, yeah! You are my best friend, aren't you? I care about you bro!"

Ouch.

Fucking fuck. Leave it to me to assume everything and over-think a measly attempt at making me feel better. God dammit.

He could clearly tell that I was hurt. "Cry.. is there something else? What's wrong?"

Suddenly, those stupid comments were the last thing on my mind.

* * *

**A/N: Yes, that was a cliffhanger.**

Yeah yeah yeah I know it was short. I've already got the next chapter started, but I was determined to get this up before the week started. Getting the timing right to keep this realistic is hard and _it hurts my brain. _But I will be damned if I get behind on this.

Originally, I was planning on abandoning this story because I was sad that no one liked it. But then you guys left reviews and it made me happy! So please continue with that because I'm writing this for you guys.

This is the chapter where everything flips around. It might seem like I'm randomly throwing Cry's feelings towards Pewds out there, but believe me when I say this has been building. It's not just this chapter. There were a few subtle hints in the last couple chapters but now it's more like the feelings are clearly there. At first, Cry is just letting his brain do whatever until he realizes that he's thinking about Pewdie in _that way_ and he's like back the fuck up! And then later when the possibility of Pewds liking him appears, all his feelings automatically jump to the front of his brain and are like _lets get out in the open mother fucker. _Although I don't know Cry, I feel like he would be one to jump on insignificant statements when there's a chance that it means more. I know I've assumed some pretty far-fetched shit. But Cry isn't going to be all _i love him so much _now, because he still has to figure stuff out. He hasn't even contemplated this crap yet. That will come in the next chapter.

Also, I would like to thank my thesaurus because synonyms.

I LOVE ALL MY READERS. *MWAH* :D


	4. December 9th

**Sorry for the short chapter. I just fucking hate cliff hangers and I didn't want to leave you guys.. well.. hanging off a cliff. Heh. So I threw this little ditty together in a few hours to please my awesome readers. I'll start working on another long one, so it'll be updated in a few days!**

**And so, we continue where we left off..**

* * *

On the last video:

"Cry.. is there something else? What's wrong?"

Let's finish this.

That was my try at a quirky intro/transition. It wasn't very good. Anyways, I would have written down the entire conversation between me and Pewds, but my mom needed my help yesterday so I had to cut it short. Nevertheless, I shall proceed with the rest of this wonderfully dreadful tale.

* * *

I couldn't even respond. I was too appalled at how quickly I had jumped to the supposition that Pewds was in love with me. What was going on? First I get excessively upset about trolls, then I start thinking of Pewdie as some kind of mesmerizing god, and now I'm assuming things that were practically unimaginable.

The miserable thing about all of this is that, for a second, I honestly believed it was true. I _really_ thought Felix had wanted something more between us. And... it made me happy. During that brief amount of absurdity, I could envisage a genuine relationship. I've never been able to picture myself committed to another person. I've always dealt with the fact that I just wasn't a relationship kind of guy. But.. when I thought about Pewds, I simply saw myself being happy... being content while still enjoying the company of a significant other.

What was I thinking?

"Cry!"

"Uh.. sorry Pewds. What did you say?"

"Why are you crying?"

What? Crying? Yeah right. I would never let myself cry in front of him... But sure enough, when I ran a hand across my cheek, it came back damp.

"I.. uh... I'm not sure." Why was I crying? Did that small glimpse of being with him leave me _that_ brokenhearted?

"Tell me what's wrong, Cry."

I released an audible sigh. Should I tell him? Are we close enough that he will see the rationality behind my feelings, or will I scare him off?

"Cry, tell me now."

I couldn't find any excuses. I guess I didn't have much of a choice except to tell him the truth.

"Alright. But promise me that you won't rush to conclusions."

"Of course I won't."

"Okay..."

I hesitated. He waited with a worried look.

"Just now.. when you implied that you loved me... I thought you were serious. I thought you meant you _loved me_ loved me. I... I don't know why, but I presumed way too much from what you said. I suppose I jumped at the idea so rapidly, because when I imagined it, I saw myself being happy with you. I dunno.. you always make me smile, and you brighten up every part of my day with your hilarious jokes and contagious laughter. I've just been far too lonely recently.. I apologize for my forwardness."

I watched my words sink in. Several facial expressions crossed his face. He looked confounded, then frustrated, then slightly hopeful, then really confused, and then sad. He didn't speak for a long time. I tried to guess what he was thinking, but it was impossible to tell.

"Felix?"

He glanced up. I made another effort to read his eyes. I came back with nothing.

Finally, he responded.

"It's okay, Cry, I understand. I would've thought the same thing from your end of the conversation."

Christ. He was obviously weirded out by my confession. Shit.

".. I'm sorry, Pewds."

"No, I'm sorry. Really, it's fine."

"Alright." The atmosphere grew quiet and awkward. I could almost feel his discomfort through my screen. "I think I'm just going to go now."

"No, Cry, you don't have to leave."

"Don't worry about it. I'll talk to you later."

"Come on Cr-"

I ended the call before he could say anything else.

* * *

Oh god. I'm so embarrassed. I'm fucking mortified. Why did I say that? Why why why why why?!

I've ruined everything! He'll never be able to talk to me the same way again.

Fuck.

I'm going to go crawl into a hole and die.


	5. December 13th

Hi.  
It's Thursday.  
Fuck Thursday.

Anyways, my last entry recalled the awkward encounter between Pewds and I. But that was over a week ago. It seems that my journal has fallen behind. So, I'm going to recap the past week, because I've kind of lost track of the days. I would go into further detail of each day, but if I spend time doing that, I'll just fall more behind on the present! It'll make things really confusing. So here's an edited version of my week. I will provide more facts where I believe is necessary.

_Tuesday (Dec 4th): Get the nerves to call Pewdie, learn about Marzia, clean up my emotional mess of anxieties._

_Wednesday (Dec 5th): Mistakenly believe that Pewds loves me, embarrass the fuck out of myself._  
_  
__Thursday (Dec 6th): Hide in my room for the majority of the day. Spend my time thinking and thinking and then, more thinking. Have yet to make another video. Have yet to talk to Pewdie, but he's tried to text me a few times._  
_  
__Friday (Dec 7th): Decide to play Black Snow, have an awesome time doing it. Pewdie tries calling three times. Almost answer, can't think of what to say. Lonely night._  
_  
__Saturday (Dec 8th): Watch every co-op we've done together. Contemplate life. Stream night. Best night. Puts me in better spirits._  
_  
__Sunday (Dec 9th): Christmas stuff with my family. Write some more rambles. Fall asleep easily._  
_  
__Monday (Dec 10th): Finally talk to Pewds again..._  
_  
__Tuesday (Dec 11th): Back to normal. Play Dream of the Blood Moon. Fuck that game._  
_  
__Wednesday (Dec 12th): Turn to Pewdie for comfort after playing that fucking game again. Play with Pewds, CinnamonToastKen, and MaskedGamer until very late. Awesome time._

Yes, we talked. Pewds and I are fine now. I was tired of all the stupid crap getting in the way of talking to my best friend. I'll write more about that after I unload my colossal accumulation of thoughts.

I just need to get all my feelings down on paper. Or... on internet. On screen? Uh.. whatever. I've just been having epiphanies all over the freaking place!  
For the past week, since the day I thought Pewds loved me, I've been contemplating my sexuality more than I did when I was going through puberty. So.. I'm going to write down the highlights of this week's revelation.

* * *

I was just so confused. I had so easily believed that me and Pewds could have an actual relationship. When I thought he was confessing his love to me, I hardly doubted his suggestion. I instantly knew that I wanted it. It felt right.

But I've always assumed that I was straight. I mean, that's what was always expected of me. With my mom bringing home a new abusive asshole each week when I was younger, I had to become the man of the house to get my family through that strenuous time. If I had appeared to be homosexual, the torture and abuse brought down on me by those monsters would have been so much worse. I was so scared. I couldn't openly discuss the curious questions running through my mind at the time. With all the pressure surrounding me during that vulnerable age, I was never given a chance to decide which sex I preferred.

_(Epiphany One)_ But what if there hadn't been any pressure for me to make the "correct" choice? To make the straight choice? Would everything be different? Would I have wasted almost ten years of my life wondering why all my friends loved women and I never felt that burning desire to be with one? Have I been hiding this whole time?

I've never fully considered it. I've always been sort if apathetic about the topic. Maybe I didn't like women. But liking men? Wasn't that bad? Didn't society frown upon homosexuals? Is that why I haven't been upfront with my feelings?

No, I couldn't be... I can't even use the term to describe me... gay? Do I prefer men?

_(Epiphany Two) _I obviously preferred Felix over anyone else I've ever considered.

Maybe sexuality isn't even perceptible. Maybe you're not gay, or straight, or bisexual. Maybe you're just attracted to the one person that understands you and cares for you, regardless if they're a woman or a man. It shouldn't matter if the person that has strong feelings for you is of the same sex. You should be grateful. To have someone special like that.. it's fucking rare. You should take advantage of every romantic situation that comes your way. Take it, and hold onto it for as long as you can. You should never let go of love.

That sounds really cheesy, but it's true. Real love isn't something that appears as often as people think. I've never honestly experienced that kind love for someone.

So... am I gay?

_(Epiphany Three) _Maybe I am. Maybe that's the easiest way to label it.

Do I love Felix? That... I'm still not sure of. I don't think I am. I feel like I would have noticed such strong emotions.

Can't I just like him? Can't I still talk and laugh with him, while secretly admiring his fantastic features? Like that adorable, quirky smile? Those... magnificent.. breathtakingly gorgeous eyes? His angelic.. captivating voice... and that sexy, inviting body... with those warm and comforting arms...

...Well shit.

I guess I just answered my own question.

So, there you go. The mother of all questions has been answered. And it only took me twenty years to figure it out.

_(Epiphany Four) _... I'm gay.

_I'm. gay.__  
_  
I'M GAY.

YOU HEAR ME WORLD?

**RYAN**** FERRY IS A GAY ****MAN****.**

THAT LIKES IT IN THE ASS.

AND IS PROUD.

(Okay the butt sex part was a little exaggerated.) I didn't even think about the sex aspect of all of this. Oh god... I don't even want to bother with that right now. I will cross that road when I get there.

What do I do now? Is there a different way of approaching someone when it's between two men? Hm.. I'm trying to remember the last time I attempted to do something like this. Should I keep quiet? Should I flirt with him? Yes. I'm totally going to flirt with him. This is gonna be fucking fun.

* * *

That was a summary of what has been scrambling around in my head for a while. It took a _lot_ of introspection. But I'm ecstatic. This is all so exciting.

Anyways, I mentioned earlier my conversation with Pewdie. This was on Monday, a day after I had concluded my journey within myself. I woke up pretty late, but intoxicated with satisfaction. My first thought was _I gotta talk to Pewds. _But I had to make dinner for my family first. After eating with much impatience, I ran back to my room, while hearing my mom's babbling about me being 'bizarre' and 'rather enthusiastic'. I didn't care! I jumped onto my computer chair, opened Skype, found Pewdie's name, and clicked that shit like a mother fucking cheetah. He answered after a few agonizing seconds.

"Sup, Pewds?!"

"Hey, Cry! How have you been?"

"Pretty good! Sorry we haven't talked lately, I've been quite busy."

"Yeah, I tried calling a few times. Listen, about the other day..."

"Let's just pretend that never happened, okay?"

"But Cry, I've been thinking about it a lot an-"

"Pewds. Come on. Can you just forget about it?" I made a puppy face and added, "Please? For me?"

I watched him mull it over while taking in my expression. "Agh.. you know I can't say no to that face."

Yes. The adorable pout always works. "Thanks. You up for playing some vidjah games?"

"Sure! What did you have in mind, bro?"

"Hm.. how about a half-life mod?"

"Haha, okay. But we have to find a good one. There are a lot of shitty attempts out there."

"Definitely. Let me see what I can do."

"Alright!" Pewds said with a smile.

I started looking at my options. Nothing seemed too interesting. Maybe we could play something else. Or maybe just talk for a while. That sounds fun...

After a few minutes of scrolling, I noticed that Pewdie hadn't been talking. I looked up and found him staring intently at me.

"Pewds?"

No reply.

"Pewwdieeee, anyone home?"

He shook himself out of his little trance. "My bad," he responded as he rubbed the back of his neck, "I guess I dozed off a bit."

I chuckled. "Isn't it my job to get entranced by your stunning face?"

He laughed and said, "Don't I get to enjoy the view, too?"

It was a great opportunity to turn up the charm. I put on a flirtatious smirk and dropped my voice to its deep, seductive tone and replied, "Would you enjoy it more if I wasn't wearing a shirt?"

A confused look hesitated on his face for a second before jokingly saying, "Sureee, Cry. We both know you don't have the guts. It took you a month to show me your face!"

He was right. I've always been self-conscious, especially about my figure. I'm scrawny and have the upper body strength of a little girl. My mom and sister always ask how I manage to stay thin without working out. I guess I'm just lucky. But that day, my recent discovery had spawned a shit ton of confidence out of nowhere. And it was a day full of opportunity, so why the fuck not? I grabbed the bottom of my tank top and started pulling upward.

Pewdie's eyes grew wide. "What are you doing?"

"Hey," I replied while removing my shirt over my head, "You asked for it."

I got up to place the shirt in my dresser, giving Pewdie a good view of me in my sweatpants with my torso exposed. God, this was insane. But so thrilling. I came back to my computer to find a blushing Pewds on my screen.

I laughed. "Aw, you're blushing!"

"What? No I'm not!" He quickly hid his bright red face.

"It's okay, Pewds, I know I'm hot," I said with a grin.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Now will you find something for us to play?"

We spent the next few hours trying out a bunch of different games. It was all very amusing, particularly the times when I caught Pewdie checking me out. Each indicative look he gave me came with a boost of confidence. I later persuaded him to remove his sweater by convincing him that it was only fair that he should be shirtless as well. Our evening contained several suggestive remarks and a lot of cute teasing. It was extremely entertaining. By the end of night, I had won more games than Pewdie, we we're both half-naked, and I felt magnificent. This new, previously unknown courage was so electrifying.

"Alrighty, Cry" Pewds said breathlessly after dying for the thousandth time in Portal, "I gotta get some sleep. It's late as fuck."

"Sure thing, Pewdie. This was a lot of fun!" I replied

"Hell yeah it was. Why don't we do this more often?"

"I dunno! We should make it a regular thing."

"Hah! Okay.. how about every Monday night we have to get together and play late into the night?"

"Sounds like a plan. I'll talk to you tomorrow?"

Pewdie let out a yawn, "Of course! See you later, Cry. Sweet dreams." I could see him preparing to turn off his webcam.

In a few seconds, our conversation would be over. I had to say something. Something that would surprise him and keep him shocked until we talked again.

"They'll be better than sweet, because you'll be there with me."

He gawked at me in a baffled silence, until I grinned and said "Night, Pewds."

I closed the call before he could say anything. Agh, that was so cheesy! I didn't have time to think of anything kinky or clever to say! Blehhhhhh I'm such a derp. Eh... oh well, I had just had an awesome night. I didn't care if I embarrassed myself by saying something corny. That was awesome.

* * *

So that happened on Monday night. When we spoke the next day, he didn't mention anything about my little announcement. I decided to leave it alone and let him interpret it any way he wants. Since then, we've been having some pretty typical conversations, with a few evocative hints thrown in here and there. It has been quite intriguing.

Pewdie was feeling under the weather today, so I did the best I could to be comforting and sweet. It's difficult when you're not near the other. But he was still appreciative. (:

Still not sure how Pewds feels about all this. I'm not even sure if he's interested in guys. But I sure am! And I'm having fun with it, too.

I'll try to update this frequently, but most likely I'll just have to do recaps of my days, like I did above.

It's been a good week.

* * *

**A/N: Welcome to the end of Chapter Six!**

Agh. This one took me forever to write. I really really hope you guys like it.

Just a few things I want to clarify. Cry's revelation wasn't rushed. I believe some people are going to say "omg you don't just randomly decide you're gay in less than a week" but if you read carefully, you'll see that he's had hidden feelings for a long time. It just took some time to decipher what they meant. Also I haven't decided if Pewds already knows he's bisexual or if he's still unsure. I guess we'll see where it goes. I have no idea what I'm going to do for the next chapter so... yeah.

I enjoy re-reading this chapter. It makes me laugh a lot. I feel like Cry would take this personal situation seriously, but at the same time use comic relief to lighten the mental mood. I've been uh... having a confusing week as well. This chapter is really fucking relevant.

Please leave reviews/constructive criticism! :D Will try to update soon.


	6. December 14th

**Eeeep! Pewdie is going to ****Florida**** over the holidays! You can hear fangirls all across the world screaming with giddiness. Myself included.**

**I had a different chapter planned.. it was kind of lame, because I couldn't think of what to write.. but this has changed everything! It's like the gods have sent me a magical prompt to fix my writer's block. So I'm hoping this chapter is epic and feely as fuck.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

Hi.

Hey there.

How am I?

Oh, you know...

FUCKING FANTASTIC!

**I'M BOUNCING OFF THE GOD DAMN WALLS WITH EXCITEMENT.**

**I MIGHT ****JUST**** SHIT MYSELF.**

Okay.. okay I'm calm. Agh, I'm just really fucking happy right now. I'm sure you all know why. But, in case you haven't heard the news, which Pewdie so impassively mentioned in his video today, he's coming to Florida! He's coming to see me! I'm eagerly anticipating this.

He told me last night. It was.. well it was kind of embarrassing.. but overall pretty exceptional. You wanna hear about it? Heh, of course you do...

* * *

It was 8 PM. I had only woken up a few hours earlier. God, my sleep schedule is really fucked. Good thing I don't have to worry about being a productive member of society. Anyways, I'm chilling in my room editing my first video of Haunting Ground (which is a marvelous game, by the way). I hadn't talked to Pewdie since our co-op the night before, so I called him up on Skype.

He answered after a minute or so, looking like he was about to explode with delight.

"Hey, Cry!" he practically yelled.

"Haha, sup Pewds? You seem rather cheerful today."

"I am! Did you get any sleep last night?"

"Naturally. But it wasn't till 7 AM. I passed out right when we ended the call."

"Crap! I always forget that we're on different times. Did you at least sleep well?"

"Yeah! I didn't wake up once and I-"

My speech halted when I suddenly recalled what had happened last night. I had a dream. It was... really strange. What was it about exactly? I can never fully remember... I think it was about some video game...

Oh yeah! I was in Brennenburg Castle! Oh god, I fucking hate Amnesia dreams. They're always scary as fuck.

Let's see...

I was running through a dark corridor. The torches ahead of me were quickly being blown out by an invisible force. I could feel something, like a heavy cloak of darkness, chasing me down the hallway. All I could feel was the fear and adrenaline racing through my body while my heart was booming with panic. I turned a corner and saw a door further down on the passageway. I quickly jumped inside and slammed the door behind me. I took a look around the quiet room that was now my hideout. It had a warm and comforting atmosphere, with a huge bed set right in the middle, and there on the bed was... Pewds?

He was sprawled across the mattress in a tempting position, with only a silky crimson sheet draped over his pelvis. He softly spoke to me with a provocative tone, "I've been waiting for you, Ryan."

I swallowed the lump that had risen in my throat. I could feel myself getting excited as an almost magnetic impulse pulled me towards him. His seductive smile grew wider with each step I took to bring me closer. When I was near enough to the bed, Pewdie reached up and grasped the collar of my shirt. He began to drag me onto the bed, slowly parting his lips to moisten them. I could feel the heat increasing between us. Oh god, I wanted him so badly, I wanted him right then and there. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I rushed forward and closed the space that was separating our mouths. When we met, I instantaneously sensed an electrifying shiver run through my body. This was so right. This was amazing. Christ, this was...

"Cry, how many fucking times are you going to zone out on me?"

Ah, shit. "Sorry Pewds. You know how my mind wanders."

"What were you thinking about?"

"I just remembered what my weird dream last night was about."

"Ooo!" he exclaimed, "I love weird dreams! Tell me what happened!"

"Eh.. I really don't think you want to know."

"Aw come on, Cry. Tellll meeeeee."

This was heading down an awkward path. "It was kinda personal..."

"You really don't want to tell me?"

Huh... maybe I should just say it. Maybe I should just tell him. I don't know if I can stand keeping my feelings secret any longer. He's just so fucking irresistible and adorable and hilarious... But what if I scare him away? I could ruin our entire friendship. But there's a chance that he feels the same way. I know he's been hiding something, because I've seen the way he looks at me and the way he reacts to my implications. Maybe... maybe he likes me too...

Fuck it. I'm going to tell him. I know I will regret this horrible, impulsive decision later. But future-Cry can deal with that.

I inhaled deeply and said, "Felix.. I've got something to say."

"I've actually got something to tell you, too."

Wait. Was he about to confess his feelings for me as well? What am I going to say if he does? Or what if it's completely unrelated?

"Go ahead, Pewdie."

"No, you go first!"

He's always so stubborn. It was rather cute. "No way, your facial expression is telling me that your news is more exciting."

"Well.. okay, yeah, it's really awesome. Are you prepared for this awesomeness?!"

"Wait, I have to get mentally prepared."

He waited impatiently with a stupid grin while I busy cracking up. "Okay.. I think I'm ready."

"You sure?"

"Yep." At least, I hope I am.

"Okay.." he hesitated for dramatic effect, "I. Am. Coming. To. Florida." He paused to let me register his words.

Pewds.. was coming to the United States? To... Florida? All the way to St. Petersburg? To see _me?_

Holy shit.

Someone pinch me.

I couldn't respond. I was too stunned to talk.

Pewdie watched me expectantly. "I'm going to take your silence as a good thing?"

I couldn't keep the feels in. I tried to tell him how fucking delighted I was, and how much fun we were going to have, and all the other enthusiastic things on my mind. Instead, what came out was a mixture of squeals and blabbering, which pretty much sounded like "AGHHHHUHGHUGHULULUL THAT'S AWESOMEEEE I CAN'T WAIT OH MY GOD YAYYYEEIADKNFADKFJIDUCNKKLOF SDHNJFNDSFSKDL." ...I had no idea where that came from.

Pewds couldn't stop laughing with me. "I'm glad that you're excited!"

I took a few seconds to catch my breath before saying, "Hell yeah I'm excited! This is going to be so great! When are you coming?"

"I'll be leaving right after Christmas and staying for a week. I've got a reservation set up at this cool hotel close to your house."

"Fuck that! You're staying with me!"

He gave me a surprised look, "I dunno, Cry. Are you sure?"

"Hellz yeah, man!"

"Really?"

"Dude.. there is no way I'm going to let you stay in hotel and waste precious time that we could spend hanging at my house doing all sorts of shenanigans."

"Hahah, well, if you say so! Thanks!"

"No problem! We're gonna have a blast."

"Definitely! So what did you want to tell me?"

Agh, I completely forgot about that. There was no point in telling him now. "Uh.. it wasn't anything important. Never mind that, let's start planning what we're going to do."

"Whatever you say, bro."

We spent the next hour trying to make plans. It was a lovely hour of silly ideas, stupid jokes, and of course, secret flirting. We later ended the call with a quick goodbye and a promise to talk soon.

After I shut off my computer, I sat at my desk for a moment and pondered what I had just learned. Pewds was coming to Florida, and staying with me. The crazy man that I have a huge crush on will be sleeping in the same house as me. Shit is definitely going to get real. And then we'll be able to spend New Year's Eve together.. where people usually kiss when the year officially starts...

Oh shit.

* * *

And that's how my night went down. It was really quite spectacular. I don't know if I'll be able to wait for that long.

I would write more about how excited I am but... my mood has completely flipped around...

As I was just writing this, my mom came in crying and told me about the shooting in Connecticut. Some sick fuck went into an elementary school and shot twenty kids and several adults. I'm just... shocked. I don't understand how someone could do that. How could someone destroy twenty innocent lives before they've barely begun? Kids that weren't even ten years old are dead. They're gone. I can't imagine what they're parents are going through. Starting the day just like any other, until they hear what's happened, and they instantly drop everything and run to the school. To find out if they're child is alive or not. And now they have to stare at the unopened presents under the Christmas tree and mourn for the loss of the child that they will never get to hold again. They will never be able to enjoy the holidays the same way again. In a time of thankfulness, family, and love.. all they will be able to feel is the aching emptiness in their life.

Those children will never be able to experience the greatest things life has to offer. They will never know the tortures of adolescence, that helps you realize who you are. They will never encounter those moments where your stomach twists the first time you see her/him. They will never experience the awkward tension of first dates that you look back on with happiness. They will never have their hearts broken, and will never find the person that can mend it. They will never know true love.

This is disgusting. This is inhumane.

I don't know why this is affecting me so much. This is not was I was expecting to happen tonight.

I'm going to go to bed.

Rest easy, friends.

* * *

**Andddd there you go. A quick chapter that I wrote in 2-3 hours after learning Pewdie's travel news. It was too good of a situation to not use. So eventually this is gonna turn into some cheesy holiday shit, but it'll have feels. Who doesn't love the feels? Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I didn't have a lot of time to revise, so it might be messy.  
**

**When I heard about the shooting today, I burst out crying. I was so sad. I couldn't stop thinking about those poor kids and their families... Ugh. It's awful. It kinda pops up in this chapter out of nowhere, just like the news did to me, just like the shooter did to those children. It is a day of mourning for America today.  
**

**This was my first attempt at writing a somewhat smutty story. I know this is far from what other people have written, but it was still fun to write. Let me know what you think of it, because I'm not too experienced in that writing aspect.  
**

**Thank you all so much! Please leave me a review, they make me really happy. (: Also if you've got any ideas or things you want to see happen, let me know and I'll try to incorporate them in to the story.  
**


	7. I'm Sorry

I am not going to continue this story.

I'm really sorry. I know you guys liked it. But I saw a comment by Cry on Tumblr, saying that people that try to portray him never get the personality right. It didn't offend me.. but it made me realize that I was pretending to be another person. Another _human_. So.. it's kind of weird.

I know other people RP as Cry anyway, but it just makes me uncomfortable now. I'll still write some one-shots every now and again, but this is the end of the story.

If you're curious, I was planning on Pewdie coming to stay with Cry for the week, they were going to have awkward and cute moments, and eventually realize their feelings. Cry was going to gather the courage to kiss him. Then for New Year's, Cry was going to get Pewdie an amazing present. I was thinking maybe he could buy him a star. That would've been cute.

Again, I apologize for this ending abruptly. You can blame the CryConfessions blog for my sudden revelation.

Goodbye, friends.


End file.
